Rock off

Seriously this blogging is getting rather addictive, which is nice - I'm finding that this a good way to get my brain on paper - the traditional way of describing writing my testimony or a real heartfelt email - don't look, just type!!

Having not been listening to any rock in about a week - that leaves me with Trance, old skool Dance & of course Breaks! Mostly some stuff from Fabric Live (breaks) & some good old 'Crasher favourites (that's trance for those who don't know). The last thing vaguely rocky I listened to was Arcade Fire's 'Neon Bible' & I'm not convinced that counts lol!

But me being me & changing my music preference rather frequently shall we say, I'm sure I'll switch the rock back on - I think I just overdosed on Muse, well it's a theory at least!!

As the great Pete Tong puts it..........we continue!!

Feeling old much!

OK, this writing [for want of a better phrase] is a reflection about my relationship status & what I'm feeling. It's allegedly highly irregular for a guy to want to think or discuss his feelings, well then that must speak volumes about me then lol!

true Having been to a few weddings over the past couple of weeks [my cousin Emma & my good friend from Uni Hannah] & with another coming up in a couple of weeks [another Hannah - this time the more madder of the two ;o) - sorry Han, but it's true lol] but always as the single man. This is obviously because I have split up with my girlfriend [Jennie] after about 2 1/2 years, back in April. Since then I have remained more solitary & much less social as I have previously, shall we say. I have spent time with friends occasionally, but seem to be having 'too much time' with myself.

This seems to have caused a worrying trend of reflection. Part of my degree is to train youthworker's to be 'reflective practitioners' - this can have it's drawbacks though - a tendency to either over-analyse or dwell on thoughts & feelings. This seems exactly what I am doing with this whole 'being single' thought process.

So, when I see let's just say not just one or two people getting engaged, it creates interesting feelings deep within me & not all of them are positive! It's not because I fancy or am deeply in love with these people, it's more a form of resentment - because these immensely happy things are not happening to me! For example at Uni I think there's only me who's remotely single - out of my whole class! Outside of Uni, anyone resembling an available female appears to be in a relationship. It's frustrating & maddening! I find myself thinking "Oh dear [or words to that effect!] what if I never find someone who's right for me - what if I never get married?!" Now that thought terrifies me! I'm a youthworker - not a Catholic priest or a Monk!! It's not as though I am a young man anymore - I'm 26!! Am I going mad, or having a mid-life [kinda] crisis - or just over analysing & dwelling on things that are unimportant?!

The problem is that my brain has been used to being full of all the crapola associated with Uni over the past 2 years & during almost all of that time I've been in a relationship - now with nothing to preoccupy my mind, I've started looking more inwardly - toward my heart & where it's at. I know that deep down God has a plan for exactly the person, time & place for if/when I fall in love with 'the one for me', I've just no idea who, when & where the heck that is!! But this should not be read as desperation - it's frustration! I almost dislike having the space to think about these things - because I don't think I want to reflect on my own needs - for; security, reassurance, presence of people, to be loved, cherished & feel needed.

I don't think these are bad needs necessarily & I do know where they come from - because there are sadly only a few people who truly know me [other than God & myself] & what makes me tick. There are a select few who know about my 'dark days' - not that they happened, but the reasons behind them. But when reflecting on what makes my heart ache & brain tick, I think that what was missing, appears to be needed now.

I think this is the crux of what's going on with me now - I'm reflecting more on past things - because of counselling & too much free time [apart from when I'm gaming or occasionally working lol!] knowing myself well enough to know what I want/desire/need & getting......nothing at the moment frustrates me. It's depressive to a degree, but not enough to make me depressed.

But I'm thankful for those who are around me - even when I annoy the hell outta them lol! [it happens!] I appear to have built up a strong network of support, but I'm yet to use it to work on this aspect of what's going on with me - all I've said is I feel like a bit of a sad old man........people get that about me already - I've been the oldest amongst my friends for many years, but right now I really feel that!!

Right, what's that spell, oh yeah "mischief managed"!!

zupDATE pt 2

Also last weekend was Mr TC's Birthday Bonanza Weekend, which was both really good, yet also really challenging, because I saw an old friend who I had not seen since my dark & distant past. This was really difficult due to not knowing how they would see/judge me to be - in the same state as I was all those years ago [a little more explosive, charged & unhinged] or as I am now [slightly less of the above!!] The whole experience really shook me up, & caused me to leave one of the parties early [not the norm for me!].

It was bizarre, because before all that, my weekend was going rather swimmingly - had one of my really good friend's Wedding on the Saturday - Mrs Hannah Woods [as she is now called lol - go Hana!] followed by some crushing football & then loitering around in a pool [well I say pool - it was more like a large paddleing pool for adults lol!] with my best friend JMC passing me a beer every couple of minutes - so it was all shiny!! But that negative experience transported my back about 8 years to someone I once was - not good! However, I did manage to get my head around it & bring in some peace, with the aid of my esteemed counsellor - JP. That followed by some hardcore gaming with Nate & it was all green for me! Although when I heard the following song, I was challenged to think about my actions & reactions [which I haven't really gone in to, but I don't think it appropriate - so there!!]

"Right now we can't we can't stop what's coming on my way
How many more dark clouds will pass me in a day
Why, can't I tell myself to walk away?"

From a track called Stonecold, on one of the best albums I own - Mixmag: Big Room Trance, mixed by Armin Van Buuren - choon after choon aften choon, from back in 2003. It was a freebie that I bought on my way to Spring Harvest [Skegness] the first time I went & was the only CD I listened to all week & is just about the most perfect trance CD out there - although Sundissential 1, Disc 1 could give it a run for its money lol!

We're back!

ZUPdate

Hey mes amies,

OK been a very quiet week - the most exciting thing I've done is watch ALL the Harry Potter movies back-to-back, then go to the cinema & watch the new one [Order of the Phoenix].

First a little about that movie - ignore all the media attention & just go see it, it is the best one in terms of special effects & acting [OK, with the exception of Dudley who is just a little too hammy for my tastes!] it's definitely trimmed down from the book, but that was huge to begin with. Everything just seemed a little more polished than before, it was less about gimmicky things [I assume because people are used to this magical world by now] & more about the story & development of major characters. All the scenes with Sirius & Harry feel really heart-warming, as does the stuff with the DA. Umbridge appears to be as loathsome as in the book, & as for the battles near the end - they left me speechless. It did feel quite true to the book, but with some changes & trimmings. For fans of the books & films, I don't think you will be too disappointed! I intend to go watch it a second time - I think it THAT good!!!

Anyways, enough pottering about [sorry!] have also spent a lot of time gaming & boosting my Gamescore [the infamous points system on the Xbox 360, where gamers get points for if they complete certain stages of games on harder difficulty settings, or exceed at certain aspects of games] which is now approaching a fairly respectable 4500G [thank you Dynasty Warriors lol!]. Rainbow 6 Vegas has also been played heavily & has gotten very challenging shall we say!

To be continued!

What ARE you doing?!

[Written Saturday 7th July & imported just now!]

Currently blogging in Starbucks in high street Oxford dressed up as smartly as I get these days (smart black open-neck shirt, jacket & chino's) reading Disconnected (Nick Barham, 2004) & reading all about blogging, so I thought I'd update again!

Been a very quiet week - ran 1 youthgroup, & have hung out with my friends Hobbit & Nate for most of the rest of the week, just playing 360 games & causing mischief lol! But mostly playing a few highly unethical games - Crackdown & Rainbow 6: Vegas.

Crackdown is basically Grand Theft Auto with steroids! Cue guns, explosions & killing bad guys, all from a 3rd person perspective. A patch was released for this game recently & it has yielded 2 cool things - resurrect the dead gang-members (i.e. the bad guys) & God mode - you can't die & have unlimited ammo - nice! This has mean being more creative with said bad guys & how you (ahem) stop them causing any more mischief!! It's all a little silly & comic-book violent & doesn't take itself at all seriously - I mean come on - how often do we jump off skyscrapers, into skyscrapers or even over 3 storey buildings - I suggest at least not often!!

The second game is much less comic-book & more 'real life'......kind of! Rainbow 6 Vegas - custom weapons hundreds of bad guys (not gang members this time - terrorists) & again it's set in America (umm Las Vegas) & the bad guys are either Russian, Mexican, Chinese or South American. The key emphasis for this game is not brash balls-out mayhem (although that sometimes happens!!) it's stealth, teamwork & trying to be as sneaky & silent as possible. But this is both punishing & rewarding in equal measures - it's really difficult to not die a lot, but amazingly satisfying when you move on to the next level!!

Frag this!


Si

Demotivator

Morning gang!

Bit of a weird day - am feeling a little demotivated today - not really sure the reason why - I think it's something to do with my pain-suppressants for my prostate condition. This is making things like planning for tonight's youth group much harder than normal - not sure what to do - hmmmm! It does indeed seem to be difficult to get motivated to working - frustrating to say the very least. Hopefully when my body gets used to the new chemicals I can get more awake & motivated, but we shall have to see! Right enough bloggerage - time for more sleep [grrrrr!]

We contine [with sleep that is!]


Si

Tea Break 1

Right enough of the seriousness - here are some pics from my Caterday huntz! Enjoy:

IC Pt. 2

OK......we continue!

This double-blog posting came from investigating a website called Christianity Meme which has many essays citing Christianity as a meme & going into how the virus of Christianity is being proselytised for the detriment of society.

On this website, none of essays/articles are 'signed' by an individual - all collectively as just 'christianitymeme.org' - interesting but very much aloof. The website is divided into sections, including the Main Argument [against Christianity], Additional Content [articles from Richard Dawkins, Susan Blackmore, Don Baker, to name but a few], as well as some dialogue & reference information.

I looked at most of the information contained in the main argument section & there is some highly different 'theological perspectives' on Christianity, especially with young people:

"The young are especially good targets because they are easily manipulated and because of their life-long potential to proselytize and support organizations that further the Christianity Meme through money and their directed effort - not to mention their offspring."

Now this example appears to be a slanted take on how Christians do youthwork. It does, raise a question - if young people are 'easily manipulated', how should we as youthworkers use this knowledge?

Discipleship is now common practice for church-based youthwork - this [atheistic] theory would describe this as 'proselytising' [advocate or promote (a belief or course of action)] & as such this is a negative thing. This appears to come from the postmodern thinking as questioning everything, not holding onto any absolute truths, etc.

Having looking at most of this content, I have to say, I disagree with the point of view of the website - from a theological perspective. Wherever Christians would see their work as positive, this meme theory would see this work as negative. Wherever Christians use faith - the meme theory could not hold this to be true.

But of course, this is only my opinion - if you want to make up your own mind, or investigate for yourself - check out this controversial website for yourself: christianitymeme.org

Happy hunting!

Internet Confustigations

Morning bloggites! [ok it's more like evening but hey what the heck lol!]

Just for a change I have been un teh interweeb [shock horror] looking up some meme's. I always took this idea to be a bit of harmless Internet comedy [Internetus Humerous to give its proper Latin name] where some Internet catchphrase, for example the pic below from Lord of the Ring's [the scene is in Rivendell where they're trying to work out what to do with that darn one-ring] & Boromir says "One does not simply walk into Mordor". With the aid of Photoshop, a screenshot & some text brings in slightly new meanings, e.g.

or

Genius! However, what was quite disconcerting was that when I checked out Wiki for the actual meaning of the word 'meme' as a scientific term:

"A unit of cultural information that propagates from one mind to another as a theoretical unit of cultural evolution and diffusion."

This was a word was originally coined by Mr Richard Dawkins - a famous writer & atheist - in his book the 'Selfish Gene'. Now stick with me, my story gets better! In this book, Dawkins goes on to compare Christianity with memes, to the point that Christianity is a meme in itself.

To be continued...