13 Jul 2007

Feeling old much!

OK, this writing [for want of a better phrase] is a reflection about my relationship status & what I'm feeling. It's allegedly highly irregular for a guy to want to think or discuss his feelings, well then that must speak volumes about me then lol!

true Having been to a few weddings over the past couple of weeks [my cousin Emma & my good friend from Uni Hannah] & with another coming up in a couple of weeks [another Hannah - this time the more madder of the two ;o) - sorry Han, but it's true lol] but always as the single man. This is obviously because I have split up with my girlfriend [Jennie] after about 2 1/2 years, back in April. Since then I have remained more solitary & much less social as I have previously, shall we say. I have spent time with friends occasionally, but seem to be having 'too much time' with myself.

This seems to have caused a worrying trend of reflection. Part of my degree is to train youthworker's to be 'reflective practitioners' - this can have it's drawbacks though - a tendency to either over-analyse or dwell on thoughts & feelings. This seems exactly what I am doing with this whole 'being single' thought process.

So, when I see let's just say not just one or two people getting engaged, it creates interesting feelings deep within me & not all of them are positive! It's not because I fancy or am deeply in love with these people, it's more a form of resentment - because these immensely happy things are not happening to me! For example at Uni I think there's only me who's remotely single - out of my whole class! Outside of Uni, anyone resembling an available female appears to be in a relationship. It's frustrating & maddening! I find myself thinking "Oh dear [or words to that effect!] what if I never find someone who's right for me - what if I never get married?!" Now that thought terrifies me! I'm a youthworker - not a Catholic priest or a Monk!! It's not as though I am a young man anymore - I'm 26!! Am I going mad, or having a mid-life [kinda] crisis - or just over analysing & dwelling on things that are unimportant?!

The problem is that my brain has been used to being full of all the crapola associated with Uni over the past 2 years & during almost all of that time I've been in a relationship - now with nothing to preoccupy my mind, I've started looking more inwardly - toward my heart & where it's at. I know that deep down God has a plan for exactly the person, time & place for if/when I fall in love with 'the one for me', I've just no idea who, when & where the heck that is!! But this should not be read as desperation - it's frustration! I almost dislike having the space to think about these things - because I don't think I want to reflect on my own needs - for; security, reassurance, presence of people, to be loved, cherished & feel needed.

I don't think these are bad needs necessarily & I do know where they come from - because there are sadly only a few people who truly know me [other than God & myself] & what makes me tick. There are a select few who know about my 'dark days' - not that they happened, but the reasons behind them. But when reflecting on what makes my heart ache & brain tick, I think that what was missing, appears to be needed now.

I think this is the crux of what's going on with me now - I'm reflecting more on past things - because of counselling & too much free time [apart from when I'm gaming or occasionally working lol!] knowing myself well enough to know what I want/desire/need & getting......nothing at the moment frustrates me. It's depressive to a degree, but not enough to make me depressed.

But I'm thankful for those who are around me - even when I annoy the hell outta them lol! [it happens!] I appear to have built up a strong network of support, but I'm yet to use it to work on this aspect of what's going on with me - all I've said is I feel like a bit of a sad old man........people get that about me already - I've been the oldest amongst my friends for many years, but right now I really feel that!!

Right, what's that spell, oh yeah "mischief managed"!!

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